A Sweet Little Surprise

It took me almost thirty years of my life to finally understand that it's all about accepting and loving myself as she is. I almost couldn't believe the nights I spent crying myself to sleep, heart aching like crazy, and woke up all depressed the next morning. It's not like I've never encountered hardships, heartbreaks, …

My Enigma

I saw an enigma, the moment I looked into his eyes An extreme paradox, just like mine. There's a battle down there, a raging thunder, fighting between what he feels and what he knows As he is the commander, he knows exactly what to do, where to go, how to win the war but at …

I want to die

I want to die and I can't help it... The voice is so persistent inside my head, I need to swallow pills to send them away. Like, How does normal life taste like? I can't even remember. Maybe, in the back of my mind, I knew that I just want the pain to stop. Maybe, …

An After-dawn Talk

I still can't believe that moment was real. My dad sat across me, I couldn't see his expression quite clearly since I put off my glasses. I started off calmly, trying to explain my situation: how my mental health state got worse as the time went by, how I must drink my anti-depressant regularly now …

Scheduled Death Day

Two years ago today, I was about to commit suicide... Having suicide thoughts that haunts me for years are really crucifying. Sometimes they're loud and clear, sometimes they're a soft whisper in my ears. I never really manage to get rid of them, only overshadow them and go on with my life as if it's …

Hold My Door Open

I'm sorry.. It's not like I'm going to use my mental health condition to justify why I'm behaving in certain manners. But I really can't explain, Why am I like this? Why am I sheding tears? Why does it hurt so much everytime I take a deep breath? Why do I feel so empty? Why …

◾NOT FOUND◾

We aren't designed to forget. The brain implanted within our skulls, are made of trillion neurons but more than that, it manifests most of our memories, fears, trauma ... and turns them into uncanny things, unspeakable - unimaginable. More hours, conscious My eyes wandering, glittering in the darkness of my small room. I can hear …

Dear God,

Will You forgive me if I return to You by killing myself?

Bawling

As a child, I never dreamed of my wedding or what would I be when I'm growing up. I have always been busy picturing my funeral; thinking about how many people would cry and miss me. I thought it would be gone as the time went by, but growing up, the idea is getting more …

Altschmerz

https://soundcloud.com/beautifuldeformity/altschmerz-original-song-demo Tears stream down my cheeks, And I can't explain why Down to the tip of my chin What's going on? I don't even understand A wise man once said that, "It's better to get hurt than feel nothing at all." Though this persistent stain Won't get off of my chest I can't let go~ …